So you had a baby and now have the all clear for postpartum sex. But does the thought of sex post baby make you cringe because you are tired AF?
Are you afraid to take your new body for a spin around the block?
Or maybe you’ve had kids for a while now and you just can’t even think about getting in the mood.
Let’s face it, intimacy is an important part of relationships and it’s actually a good thing your partner wants to sex you. But all the guilt and frustration that comes with just not feeling into it can cause so much friction between partners. So let’s avoid that and help you get you back to your old sex life.
I’ve listed some ways your partner can improve their sex appeal (because the little baby Jesus and I know the last thing a tired mother needs is one more thing on your plate). So moms, do yourself a favor, show this post to your partners right now…and please, reward them for reading this post at your request, and especially REWARD (WINK) them when they make the effort of taking these tips to heart.
Dear Partner of Tired As A Mother,
So your partner had a baby and now you wanna knock some boots. It’s possible mama is not quite ready for the feat. It can be a big step to have sex again after having a baby. But have no fear, your doula is here to help. Try these sure fire ways to get you laid and I guarantee this will improve your chances of having the orgasm you’ve been missing.
Clean and cook without being asked
I kid you not, cleaning up, making dinner, washing pump parts, doing the dishes, doing the laundry (AND putting it away) is sexy. If you want to turn her on get out the vacuum. New moms are tired. The more chores you take off her plate the more energy she will have for sexy time.
Observe certain hours for horniness
When your partner has fallen asleep; do not EVER disturb her for sex. I REPEAT, do not disturb a sleeping woman – EVER. If she is well rested she will be more likely to get in the mood. Rested moms always feel more sexy.
Give her alone time
away from the kids to recharge and have a break. Send her to take a bath, get a massage, meet a friend, get a pedicure, go to the gym. Support her needs in getting out of the house or outside – BY HER SELF. Even helping her to go to the bathroom alone without a child attached to her and without interuption is huge.
Play with the kids.
Hold the babies. There is nothing sexier than seeing your partner ogling and interacting with the kids. And if you really want to score, wear your babies! SWOON!
Date her. Be romantical. Spoil her so hard. Take initiative to plan a date and do something SHE will enjoy. Make it a surprise if she likes surprises. Take care of the logistics, including finding a baby sitter, packing the breast pump, making reservations. Go the extra mile! Take her to that place she has always wanted to go. Treat her like it’s your first date. Or better. Treat her like you care about the impression you make.
Lube it up
Lots and lots and lots of lube. Especially for breastfeeding moms, dryness can be an issue. A chaffed vagina is an unhappy vagina…so stock up on the lube. You both will be glad you did.
Tell her she is sexy-beautiful
Remind her why you fell in love with her. Be specific, tell her exactly what you love about her and why. Her body has been through a tornado, she likely has spit-up or worse all over her, and for some women it takes a while to feel good in their postpartum bodies. Being reminded she is just as lovely as before baby, if not more so, will make a big difference in her ability to feel sexy enough to have sex.
Acknowledge her baddassery
Have you acknowledged the tough changes she has gone through to become a mother? Remind her how amazed you are by her. Remind her you are in this with her. You have now witnessed the superhuman strength your mate showed bringing your baby earthside. Let her know you are in awe of her – regardless of the hole your baby came out of! Let her know how grateful you are for her hard work, lack of sleep, and the sacrifices she makes to care for your children. Then repeat step 8.
Touch her without expectation
Sometimes women really need to feel loved and closeness without any strings attached before they can get in the mood. Hug her, kiss her, cuddle her.
Spice things up
Try something new. Do the sex in a place you haven’t done it before. Try new positions. Sex does not always have to be PIV. Keep the sex consensual, of course, and have fun you crazy kids.
Be a part of taking care of the kids.
Put the kids down for a nap, bathe them, read them a story, change the gross diapers and get up with them during the night. Take the load off of her. Demonstrating to her you are partners and the kid responsibilities belong to both of you will go a long way in your relationship. Especially when you initiate this and she doesn’t have to beg for a break or help.
Not the just-smack-her-on-the-butt let’s get busy kind. For women, much of getting in the mood for sex happens in the brain. So take note, just rolling over on top of her is not always enough for her to be ready to get-it-on! Work up to that. The full on kiss her, love her, massage her, Al Green is playing in the background kind. Help her get excited about sex and, even better, sex with YOU.
Have daytime sex
Morning and afternoon sexcapades are great because you just might still have some energy left in your day. Meet for a quickie during lunch. Or have a weekend date during the kids nap time.
Be patient with her
She will want to have sex again. But go slow. Having sex post baby might feel like it’s your first time all over again. It’s been awhile. There can be lots of physical and emotional hurdles to get over, especially if she has had to deal with any postpartum depression. She may be nervous or just need time to figure out her new self. Instead of pressuring her to be ready for something she isn’t, use this time to get to know each other again. I know patience is tough. But give her the time she needs before a roll in the hay, and while doing so communicate to her she is worth the wait.
Pamper her like never before
No not like the diaper, you knuckle head. Pamper as in spoil her. Bring coffee. Come home with flowers or dessert. Write her a love note. And no you don’t have to break the bank Cupid.
Put your screens down
(But not until after you finishing reading this). Seriously, put your phone and the other devices away. Listen to her. Look at her. Pay attention to her and your family. Show interest in what is happening around you instead of whats happening on instagram. And laugh at her jokes.
Outsource some of the work
Hire a postpartum doula to help you both learn strategies for lowering your stress and managing your new life. Hire a cleaning service to help with the deep cleaning. If there are things you know would make her happy but are just NOT your speciality, hire them out. It still counts and leaves more time and energy for sex post baby.
Save both of you the stress and figure out your birth control plan ahead of time. This way fear of another pregnancy isn’t the reason to keep a sheet between you at all times.
Alright partners, you’ve read my get-it-on list. Now, go rock these suggestions so she will rock you. And repeat after me…”sex post baby is fun, but as a partner I may need to support my mate better to also get what I want.”
Help her feel like sex isn’t just another chore on her long list of daily tasks. Remind her of the fun you used to have and she’ll fall in love with you all over again. I know these life changes have been hard on you, too. In reality, it will take you to make the first move for the best out-cum.
And don’t worry, she’s not totally off the hook either, her blog post is in the works!
Do you have tips you want to share that have improved your sex life after baby? Share them below in the comments!